Scars
by Beth Knightley
Summary: What reason did Katniss have to hang on after coming back to a devastated District 12? -Rated T just in case-


Note from author: Perhaps I am the only one, but the way that Collins didn't fill in the blanks at the end of her book was a little bit disappointing. She was so good at making you understand what her characters were thinking and feeling but seemed to take that away at the end. There is a point where Katniss comes back to District 12 with Haymitch but Peeta stays behind. The book implies that months pass (from fall to spring) but there is nothing that tells us why Katniss held on like she did. She had tried to kill herself after killing Coin, but Peeta stopped her. What prevented her from doing so in those months when she was all alone? This is a just a short excerpt that explores her feelings why she may have held on.

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How can hurts of such intensity fade away? It is said that time heals all wounds, but no one speaks of the scars that are left behind. Some become like slivers of glass, seemingly non-existent and yet a touch can bring back the painfully sharp memories that were assumed buried forever. Some scars are bigger: gaping wounds that bleed no more but still hold the pale ghosts of times past. They are constant reminders of innocence that was lost, dreams that were shattered, and hopes that were never realized.

I am Katniss Everdeen and my scars are too many count. I have scars upon scars and wounds that have not yet fully healed. The aftermath of the war has left me, the girl who was on fire, burned beyond repair. The girl I was is gone now, dead with the sister I volunteered for in the Hunger Games. We are just two more casualties in the clash between the Resistance and the Capitol.

The war is over. They told me that I was free to go home, but District Twelve is only a skeleton of what it was. My home was a victim of the war and the life that I led before this madness is irretrievable. Gale and I have grown apart. It seems that when he realized there was no future for us except as friends, he was done with me. Even my relationship with my own mother is different. Primrose was the glue that held our family together and her death ripped us apart, creating hopelessly jagged pieces that I do not have the strength to put together again.

And Peeta. Oh, Peeta. His transformation was the most heartbreaking of them all. He was captured as my friend but he came back a stranger. For a long time there was not even a trace of the Peeta I knew—he was a human shell with eyes that expressed nothing but horrifying emptiness. It was another kind of death and one that frightened me even more because I did not understand it. Of course, he knew who I was. His gut-wrenching screams of anger showed as much. But he wasn't _my _Peeta—he was an instrument of the capital. The poison in his system combined with the lies that they fed him turned all of our happy memories into visions of terror and hatred.

At least he's getting better. I've even been able to have civil conversations with him. However, I cannot help but wonder if my Peeta will ever truly come back to me. It seems a cruel fate; even in President Snow's death his tyranny has remained embodied in Peeta. My Peeta. Aurelius is caring for him now, helping him get past the hijacking that was the Capitol's parting gift. It should be me; I should be the one to care for Peeta. But I fear that being with me is too painful for him. He has stayed behind and I have come back—back to the wreckage that is District 12.

I have no one to talk to. Greasy Sae and her granddaughter are kind enough, but they do not understand the torment that I have been through. Haymitch has left and hasn't been back since he dumped me unceremoniously on my doorstep. I suppose he is holed up in his house, choosing a relationship with his beloved liquor over spending time with me. Finnick, my dear friend Finnick, is lost with Primrose. I should have died instead of him. I have nothing to live for—he had a wife who loved him with all her heart.

As I sit here and wait for who knows what, the only thing that keeps me sane, that keeps me from ending this pathetic existence that many call life, is hope. Oh, the irony. I have lost everything, and yet I still have hope. I don't even think _I_ know where it comes from. But I do know one thing: if Peeta gets better, if he finally remembers who he truly is and what we have been through together, I will be here. He is the only reason that I get myself out of bed each day, the only reason that I hold on to this life that does not seem worth living. I will fight to live, each and every day, until my Peeta comes back to me or until he breathes his last breath. I will not leave him alone in this world; I will not turn my back on him because of my own desire for peace. As long as there is a chance that he will return to me, I will use everything that I have learned in the war to stay alive. My battle is no longer against human flesh, but rather against human despair. I will do this for our friendship and for the love that I never had the courage to admit.

I may be scarred, but these scars define me. I welcome the memories of pain, because without them I would become numb and cold. I would be nothing but a specter with no feelings, no hope, and no love. I was burned, but I have withstood the fire and I will do so again—but this time for my Peeta.

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Thank you for reading! I have an idea of where I might go with this. I would like to explore how Peeta and Katniss grew back together (because that's all that Collins really says about the healing, "they grew back together"). Please let me know what you think!


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